I Wrote Some Words

I wrote some words,
On a page,
And I kind of think you'll like them,
But I'm scared.

It's not your judgement,
Or your praise;
Not your queries,
Nor your raves that I require.

No, it's your truths.
Do you like them,
Do they work?
Are the words what you wanted?

When I put them down, all I could think;
All I could wish, hope, and dream
Was that you would tell me the truth.

Do my words make sense;
Do they sit in the right order;
Are they colourful, bright, and stunning;
Or are the plain, dead, and dull?

Don't lie to me,
It won't hurt me
If you tell me the truth.

These words, they're mine,
They're a story I'm trying to tell,
and even if you don't like it I want to know.

I want you to tell me if my story hurts you,
If it makes you cry,
If it makes you laugh.
I want you to tell me who, what, where, and why
You've read my story.

Why; why do I seek your truths,
Not your kind words or your lies?
Because this story is mine,
It's the truth of my life.

And if you lie about what you think of it,
You lie about what you think of me.
Is my life so far rubbish;
or have I made a difference?
Do you love me, hate me,
Maybe feel indifferent?

Please, just tell me,
I want to know.
I seek you out, I call to you,
To ask.

There, see, now we've met.
You've read my story,
I'll read yours if you like,
But tell me, what do you think?

Am I worth it;
This time you've taken,
This story you've read,
Was it worth it?

The life of this person,
Their time here on Earth,
Was it worth it;
Or was it just another life,
Indiscernible from the rest,
Insignificant and short.

Tell me, and I'll tell you:
Every life has merit,
Every life has drawbacks,
But every life is unique.

We think,
We see,
We move, we do.
We all effect each other,
And we're all significant.

And so here,
Take these words,
I wrote them on this page.
Take them, share them, hold them,
And think.

In your hands you hold a life;
My life.
Please, be nice to it,
But if you don't like it,
Say so.
You won't hurt me,
I'm not made of glass;
I'm paper and ink,
Flesh and Blood,
And I'm living with you.

Even when I'm gone,
I'll be with you.
My story, it goes on,
And so long as you hold on,
So do I.
 - My original composition, I Wrote Some Words, Feb 2012.

Here's a little rough draft of some random poetry that I'm doing. It's something that popped into my head while I was writing part of a story, and I just thought I'd share for now. Any thoughts? 

Someone once told me that it takes a certain type of person to write, but the more I think about this the less I believe it. Yes, it seems to take a literate person to write unless they're copying something and don't understand it, but that's not the point. To me anyone can write, some are just better at it than others. Just like some people have better resumes or better interview skills or are better at sports, some people are better writers. For me, it depends on my mood. Tonight (this morning?) I write in a slightly disappointed, pensive mood. I didn't get accepted into the WDW CRP thing I applied (and interviewed!) for, so I'm trying to figure out my future.

Next year was supposed to be my time to do that - look into some internships, meet new people, have a ton of fun, etc - so now I have to find a new way to do that. Should I travel? Ought I to stay where I am and just research the year away, trying to figure out what to do with my life? Should I go to grad school? And most of all, what do I want to spend the rest of my life doing?

This last question is a question I'm not sure we can ever truly answer, because not only does the world continue to change, but we are forever changing and evolving, so we're forever changing our minds and discerning a new path for ourselves. With this new path comes new options, and new doorways that we may never have thought existed. Example: two years ago I was on track to graduate this year with a BSc and then I was going to go on and get my BEd and teach. Since then, I've completely changed my major; I'm now getting a BA instead of my BSc, and I'm going to have a major in English instead of Biology (can't tell by the way I type, can you?). I'm also not going straight into a BEd program like I originally thought I would. Instead, I'm drifting. I don't know what I want to do, and with this program falling through, I kind of feel like I don't know where I want to go. Should I apply again, or should I just leave it? Oh well.

I'm sure I'll figure something out, but I really started this entry because I just needed to write. Like I said, everyone can write (given exceptions, as above). I write when I need to; sometimes it doesn't make sense, sometimes it's really depressing, sometimes it's overly happy. Tonight, I think I just need to write, to sort things out, and to put words to paper so that I can sort through my emotions. The emotions I'm feeling aren't new, they're just... Complicated. They're not the things I'm used to feeling well up, and they're not the type of thing that just goes away, they're the type of emotions you work through. Sure, I'm disappointed; I really did want to do this program, it sounded like so much fun, everyone at the interview was super nice, and I absolutely adore Disney. However, life moves on. I can't continue to live in the past because the past, present, and future all play into each other and if I get stuck in one the others become stuck as well, and the last thing I want is to be stuck in a negative frame of mind right now.

The question is, which direction should I go? "Is there anybody out there" that can help me? (Also, if I do go to Grad school, what should I do? What do you suggest I do without Grad school when I'm done my degree?)

Sleep tight lovelies, everything will look brighter in the morning :-)

Nerves? Nerves.

So, I'm nervous. I don't know about you, but when I'm nervous I have a series of things I do.
First, I eat. Too much. I guess I over eat.
I also have a tendency to analyze whatever it is that's making me nervous, and every little detail about it. Really, this only serves to make me more nervous. I do it anyways.
After I eat too much, I don't eat. Like, I don't have much of an appetite for anything but junk food, which I therefore try to avoid (knowing it'll make me feel gross later if I eat too much, and also because really the last thing I need is to eat junk food).
I seek constant re-assurance. If you're one of the people I turn to, I'm sorry. I can't seem to help it, I get over stressed and nervous and need to be assured that I'm doing the right thing. I'm sorry.
I apologize. A lot.
I try to wear myself out by piling up work and exercise, which often creates more stress and nerves. You'd think that I would learn my lesson, hey?
I listen to music.
I attempt to doodle, although anyone that knows me knows I can't draw.
I sleep. Sometimes.
I stay up late doing basically nothing on the internet or watching movies from when I was a kid.
I read. Preferably not school material, but because of the time of year in which I usually become nervous or stressed, it's normally school material.
I write.
I type. Which is what I'm doing now...
Nerves and stress for me seem to go hand-in-hand, which I think is sort of normal. That twisting of your stomach, slightly uneasy, twitchy feeling where the tension you're holding in your back makes you want to cry? yeah, that. I get that when I get stressed and nervous. Oh well, c'est la vie, oui?
I'm heading off to be so that I can get up at 8, work for 5 hours, come home and make sure I've packed all I need, and head for a ferry. Ah. Nerves. G'night!

Alright, so it's January. What does January bring with it? Well, for one thing it brings a whole package of new books that need to be read, deciphered, thought over, and further dissected. This is alright. I will get through this (I hope). January also brings with it the promise of a new year, a new chapter in life to hold on to and cherish, even if for a while. This last few months were hard. Deaths and sickness in my family, stress, and a few other things all piled up to put my emotions off the scale and turn me into a bit of a mess. Since it's January though, and a new year, I have the time to (sort of) sort things out and provide myself with closure.


There are many ways I'm providing myself with closure, but that's not the only thing I'm striving for. I'm hoping for a bit of relaxation over this year, hopefully for at least a week when I'm finished with my degree (I know, I've made a funny. Spare time and relaxation? me?), and I'm hoping to find time and a way of seeing more of my friends and keeping the friends that I've made through school. No dropping of the map as we graduate, okay? No promises, but I'll try if you will! My final bit of closure is on its way.

Next month, I'm heading to the mainland for something that I've told some people about. I actually tried to keep it a secret for a few months, but now I think the vast majority of people know why I'm tripping out to the mainland for roughly 24 hours in the week when all my papers seem to be due: I've an interview with Disney. Nothing big, just an interview working in merch/food and beverage/attractions at WDW for a year. However, I'm excited. So, I've been traveling down this road for about 4ish months: I applied in September. Next month it all comes to an end and I get my closure: I either get the job, am put on a waiting list until a position becomes available, or I don't get the job and move onto a year of working my butt off and hopefully traveling. Either way, I'll get closure.

The next few months are going to be a whirlwind of things, but as everything becomes a little bit tidier in some respects, I know messes will develop elsewhere. I'm just trying to sort life out and keep going, like everyone else.

Here's to a new year, new experiences, and maybe a few new messes!

It's Time for the Holidays

I'm not sure what that means to anyone else, but for me the Holidays mean a few things: working (because, really, I have to play for school somehow!), spending time with my family, and seeing friends. This year is a little bit different though, as I have some friends that aren't returning for the holidays and I (once again) have to close at work Christmas Eve and will be unable to go visiting with my family. That doesn't mean that it won't be a great Christmas though - my grandparents and aunt and uncle's family are coming to our house Christmas Day for dinner and I will at some point in time (once everyone's back) be able to make plans to see a bunch of friends while they're home! :-)

The holidays also mean that I have an opportunity to clean my room (which I have to admit I've been avoiding for 3 months because I was busy working and studying and attempting to sleep at some point in time), and today I did just that. However, I ran into a gigantic problem while I was trying to put away all my books: They don't fit well on my shelf. Actually, I've double shelved them, stacked books on top, and still have a book or two lying around my room. Therefore, one of my goals during the break is to find a box and go through my books. I've already decided there are some that I will be donating to my local library or some used book stores, but there are others that will probably be put into boxes, labelled with titles and authors, and put into storage in my parents' crawl-space; I can't throw out books. If I have to get rid of them, I'll donate them, re-sell them, or store them, but books should not be thrown out (in my opinion). There's so much to learn and there are so many memories stored in the pages of a book that I have a hard time parting with most of mine (hence the pile of them I now own)!

What else? Hmmm, I've got wrapping to do and cleaning to finish and I may be making more gingerbread this week (my family already ate my first double batch!), and hopefully I'll be seeing Ren before Christmas for sure, and then after the Holidays it's back to classes (which probably means I'll be AWOL), an interview, and hopefully the next time we chat, internet, I'll have some big news (or I'll just drop in casually to say hello. Y'know, whatever) about a thing that's happening in February and then could (potentially) decide the next chapter of my life and also take months and months of waiting.

Well net, I'm off. My family is downstairs watching The Polar Express and I'm in need of finishing up a card to send to England tomorrow :-)

Pest Controller?!

So as many of you know (or don't, or know and don't care, whatever), I'm graduating from University in the Spring. Because of this, I decided (with the forceful help of my mother - love you!) to see a careers counselor and see what options were available as a career for myself aside from teaching. When I graduate I'll have a BA with an English Major ( no minor, I'm bad, I know). So we talked a bit, and she suggested a careers matchmaker test for me to do and then review with her later (appointment to be made). So, I did the test, and it came up with some good and some horrible careers. I though I'd share the list, with some comments...

1. Library Technician - this wouldn't be so bad for me; I love libraries
2. Writer - maybe... However, as you can maybe tell, I'm not so wonderful with my words. I come across as rather boring quite often, don't I? (let me know what you think, please? :P)
3. Print Journalist - this I could maybe do. I want to take red pens to my local paper and fix it, so maybe I could resolve some issues by taking this on as a career?
4. Critic - Nope, don't feel intelligent enough for that!
5. Casting Director - this sounds really neat, but they seem to have missed the fact that my theater experience is quite limited. I don't act. However, I can fit people to roles?
6. Archivist - Maaaaaybe..
7. Political Aide - Uh, nope. I don't do politics.
8. Personal Trainer - I don't think I'm fit enough for this.
9. Telephone Operator - ..... I don't want to live in a call center and get hung up on repeatedly!
10. Medical Transcriptionish - This would be cool, I think. I'd have to do more school though, pretty sure.
11. Receptionist/ Information Clerk - This I could do. This I would not mind doing. However, I'm not sure I'd love to do it for life?
12. Historian - Give me European History and maybe. Send to to Canadian and no. Nope. Much as I love my country, our History is not as rich and the 'older' countries. Actually, Egypt or Rome or Greece would be cool too. I don't know very much about the Asian world, but I imagine their History would also be alright.
13. Adoption Counsellor - what? Me? 
14. Activist - can you see this tiny body being an activist? I can't. Nope, not happening
15. Researcher - Maybe. What am I researching?
16. Professional Athlete - uncoordinated
17. Dancer - haven't taken a class in years, Do not measure up to anyone I've seen that does well dancing.
18. Curriculum Specialist - This actually sounds cool. Hard, but cool.
19. Anthropologist - ENGLISH MAJOR
20. Mediator - Uhm, I don't know if I want to deal with VIU vs others, or Teachers vs Government. Actually, this doesn't sound fun
21. Adult Education Teacher - This I could do :)
22. Medical Secretary - Again, more school. But it sounds pretty okay :)
23. Administrative Assistant - Maaaaybe? Lol, alright
24. Public Policy Analyst - No?
25. Pest controller - WTF?!
26. Health Records Professional - what is this? Question for Lyn
27. Communications Specialist - Maybe.. How good with technology do I have to be?
28. Sports Official - I'd have to know sports then...
29. Dispatcher - Hmmm, probably not
30. Immigration Officer - no thank you
31. Physical Education Teacher - wouldn't I need to know sports then?
32. Singer - have you HEARD me sing?!
33. Speech - Language Pathologist - Sounds thrilling, but not too much work here right now? Also, no Linguistics experience
34. Corporate Trainer - PR work I could probably deal with?
35. Public Relations Specialist - 'Specialist'? Erm, that sounds intimidating
36. Sport Psychology Consultant - ... there's that Sport word again
37. Concierge - yeah, I don't think that's the career I'm paying thousands for
38. Fundraiser - didn't I spend my Youth doing that?
39. Data Entry Clerk - All day every day?
40. Special Effects Technician - That sounds like it involves technology... Technology and I don't always get  along. 

On another list were also 'Lobbyist' and 'Career Coach'... I don't know about you, but I'm not so sure about [most] of the things on this list. It was fun though, and there are a few I'm going to talk to the Career Counsellor about later. Also, I've got to remember this week to go to a resume workshop again, and also find out more about writing a CV. I need to do these. However, that's all I've got for tonight. Sorry for the degradation in my typing/English/literacy but it's early morning/late night, I've been up for 19 hours, and because I just got off work 2 hours ago I can't seem to sleep. I also have to be up in 6 hours for work again.. Oi vey it's going to be a long term... I'm off to try to sleep/read The Wings of the Dove and/or Wacousta, and do such things a sthe weekend brings me... Tell me what you think of my career assessment test thing?

One week (and a bit)

That's how much of my summer is left: one week and a bit. Specifically, I return to classes on Wednesday September 7th, and although I'm really excited I'm also a little bit sad. I told myself that this summer I would try to see my friends more, hang out, and do all the things I never got much of a chance to do either as a teenager in the summer or last summer. Guess what? I didn't do that. Yes, I saw (some of) my friends. Yes, I went out. But I have also managed to work 57 of the last 70 days, occasionally for 10-11 hours. This sort of subtracts from the whole 'social life' thing - when your day starts at 6:30 am and you don't get home from work until after 8pm you don't really want to get dressed and go out again. Actually, you (or at least I) don't want to do too much. A trip to the local pub with some friends, a good book with a cup of tea, a visit with a friend, or some television/Internet before sleeping like a rock is about it. But you know, aside from not being hugely social (or swimming very much due to a summer that contained very little swimming weather), I feel like my summer has been pretty good. I've met a bunch of really interesting, super nice people (most of which may or may not be my mother's age and older), I've discovered a super nice bookstore (honestly if you have not checked out Russell Books on Fort St in Vic you totally should!), I've become slightly addicted to Zumba, seen my best friend (which WILL continue to happen until such time as she leaves the country), and just generally recuperated from a very busy 2 terms at school. Now however, I'm ready to return.

I'm ready to go back and see people I haven't seen since April (minus Miss Cammi, who unfortunately for me has returned to England - however, I still wouldn't mind seeing/chatting with her; Hi Cammi!!), meet some new people (hopefully - we all know how good I am at that), see the people that I have seen infrequently through the summer more frequently because we'll be on campus, read lots, learn more, and just generally be a student again. Heck, I'm even sort of looking forward to seeing Biblio full of people, haha. All that being said though, it's going to be a tough year.

My mother and I have been talking, and it has been decided that I need to go to a career counselor when I return to campus - 'What can I do with an English Degree' - I still feel like I want to teach, but I also feel like I really should understand more of my options. I apply to graduate this fall, and apply to Grad School. My mother also told me that I should consider taking a year off between undergrad and grad school and doing something. This evening, Bug suggested something that sounds super neat but may or may not be feasible (work my butt off for half a year, travel and visit friends while they're at school/off the island for a bit, see the world a bit), but I'm also considering the Disney International Program. It's something I've wanted to do for a few years, and if I take time off between schooling, it may be the perfect opportunity. We'll see what happens though; I've still got a week to get my head around returning to school and such.

Actually, tomorrow after going to the bank (I need to see about getting a better interest rate on my car loan with MY bank over the GBC) I'm going to head into town and get school supplies and possibly a journal of sorts. Nothing fancy, but something to write thoughts and such in (the other journal I have is full of stuff lol). Then I SHOULD come home and start my homework in earnest. Oh right, yeah, school hasn't started yet but I have homework. Basically. I've got to read something on Shakespeare before the first class (Histories and Tragedies - what have I gotten myself into?!), and by the second class need to have Titus Andronicus completely read. I haven't started yet. I have though started Dracula, and it is fantastic. I want to keep reading, but keep having to stop and absorb things and piece bits out. It's wonderful. And the Vampires in it are real and ghastly, not sparkly (no offence - well maybe a bit - but sparkly vampires? Not my cuppa tea). I gave up on reading The Wings of the Dove and put it down, and now I've lost it in my pile of books. However, I need to pick it up again soon - term is approaching! I thiiiink that's about all I have to say about right now, and so I leave you with this a) super long blog post [ yay, I've done something to my blog!] and b) two photos.

This first one is my bookshelf as it currently is: three shelves, two completely double rowed (so there may be Archie comics back there on one, okay?!), one over half doubled up. Yeah, I'm out of space. I have a box of Science texts in my closet if anyone's in need - let me know what you need, I may have it (years 1-2 only?).

This photo contains all the books that I have to read for class this term. Not year, term. Before December. There are 26 required texts here (well, 24. I currently have Dracula on my nightstand and Titus Andronicus is sitting in the front seat of my car) and I've read two in their entirety. I've also read Treasure Island before but I was about 10, so I have to re-read it. So I've read The Hobbit and Sabriel so far. I'm hooped. Oh well, I'll get through it... Once I stop procrastinating. Dammit Internet, stop being so alluring!